What is a Carer’s responsibility? It is a cause for concern when one hears a mother apologise for the behaviour of her child in the supermarket or other public place. It is also a concern when one hears an aging carer apologise for the behaviour of his or her marital partner who has obvious signs of dementia.
A mother might bewail the behaviour of her son saying “I brought him into the world, so he is my responsibility”. The child is separate to the behaviour. I want to say to that mother, “Yes you have a responsibility to protect him, but you cannot be held responsible for what he does.”
A wife who is battling with the demands of a spouse who has lost his awareness of socially appropriate behaviour might say, “I married him, and I love him, so he is my responsibility.” I would say to her, “You can still show him that you love him by making sure he is safe. Don’t feel that he is acting out your moral code and think that others might judge you because of it. Don’t take responsibility for what he does or says. It is not you that is doing or saying it.”
An increasing number of silent, mostly unpaid, and often ‘out-of-sight’ individuals in the community fulfil complex and stressful caring roles. Besides parents of young children trying out their independence in various ways and partners of dementia patients, there are many other kinds of carers in our community.
It seems grossly unfair to me that our carers, already burdened with the time-consuming and stressful role of care, feel that they need to be held responsible for the actions of the person they care for. They feel guilty about something they have no control over. This extra burden they have taken on is unnecessary and counterproductive to their primary role.
If the care-ee displays any kind of behaviour that contradicts the moral code of the person looking out for them, this behaviour should in no way reflect on the carer. The behaviour of any person in our community is the responsibility of that person, even if he or she is unable to understand the ethics of it.
If carers can find it in themselves to stop apologising for something they have no control over, they will be able to fulfil their primary role without the added, unnecessary, and unproductive stress.
