Guilt 1

There is a need for carers to be aware of guilt.

A carer’s own guilt may be hidden under a mantle of ‘care’, stoicism, heroics or martyrdom. It may not be recognised in the rush of multi-tasking and ‘getting things done’ from morning until night, but in the quiet time of self-reflection, just before sleep, it might rear its ugly head.

The carer, about to flake from sheer exhaustion at the end of a long day, experiences a flash of self-rebuke. She remembers some small detail of a task she set herself that has been overlooked.

She rationalises.

“My child needs me. He can’t cope on his own. I must remember to see to that detail tomorrow.”

This is the seed of guilt.

Does she recognise it? Does she see that her perceived need to mother and care comes at a price? That price is her personal growth. Her self-acceptance.

Someone outside the small circle that she has created for herself and her needy child might recognise the role she is playing: from outside, they might see she is performing the role called ‘victim’. … Another person cannot hold up a mirror for her. … She must do this for herself.

Each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own behaviour.

In the quiet of the night-time the mother might imagine herself hovering above a scene being replayed from earlier in the day. In her interaction with her child she hears herself speaking, “I know you can’t help being who you are. It is my job to do the things for you that you can’t do for yourself. I love you and I will always be here for you. You are my focus and all that I live for …”

Is the child always to demand so much effort from her? Is this fair? Isn’t there more to this mother’s life than sole dedication to the needs of her child?

Yes.

There is more to life than this. A mother of a disabled child does not have to feel this way. This is guilt talking.

Any and every mother needs time to foster relationships with other members of her family: her partner, her other children, her own parents and brothers and sisters, and her friends.

Mothers, carers, don’t block out the genuine feelings others have for you and your child. Allow others into your life, and allow them into your child’s life. In this way both you and your child will gain a valuable opportunity to grow.

There is no place for regret or guilt in a positive relationship. 

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